May312012

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

  • Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
  • Witness: "I only have one, you know."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
  • Witness: "By death."
  • Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  • -----
  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
  • The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
  • Witness: "July 15th."
  • Lawyer: "What year?"
  • Witness: "Every year."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
  • Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  • Witness: "Er...his face."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
  • Witness: "I forget."
  • Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
  • Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
  • Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
  • Witness: "Forty-five years."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  • Witness: "My name is Susan."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
  • Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  • -----
  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  • Witness: "That's me."
  • Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  • Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
  • Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
  • Witness: "None."
  • Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
  • Witness: "Borofkin."
  • Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
  • Witness: "I can't remember."
  • Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
  • Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
  • Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
  • Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  • Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
  • Witness: "Yes sir."
  • Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
  • Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
  • Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
  • Witness: "I could see his head."
  • Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
  • Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
  • Witness: "The victim lived."

presented without comment 

2AM

(Source: daily-disney, via thehurricanewaters)
12AM

(Source: swagalaggin, via sassy-gay-oncologist)
May302012

(Source: glad-grant-came, via hemoislove)

you are a goddess 

4PM
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

lucy-vanpelt:

(via auntie-tana-lopez)

(215,605 plays)

Download

so accurate it is painful 

1AM

(Source: red-cherry-coke, via piercelopezs)
May292012

17xinfinity:

minniethelastspazzbender:

hopeless-lullaby:

deepinsiide:

BEST FUCKING POST EVER

In the end, everyone grows up. Except for one,

OH SOBS SOBBBBBSSSS

Inconsolable sobbing

(via sassy-gay-oncologist)
2PM
omgfuckyou: ivyblossom: Yeah, here’s the thing about this. If you say it’s okay to be all “against gay marriage” because of your religion, here’s what I have to ask you: are you advocating against the legality of other things your religion says is a bad? Like, say, graven images? Do you protest against Supernatural because it has angels in it? Do you call your local political representative to request the repeal of laws that allow divorce? Do you fight to shut down all shops and services on the Sabbath? Are you fighting to put laws in place against adultery? Birth control? (LOL: MAYBE!) Maybe cheating on your spouse should have a jail term attached to it, what do you think about that? While we’re at it, dissing your parents on the internet should be illegal too. Because there’s a commandment about that. Should come with at least a fine, right? Good idea? No? From what I can tell, you folks are fine with some rules from the bible being personal ethical guidelines for your community rather than national laws. You think adultery is wrong, so you don’t do it. Swearing is bad, so you avoid it and ask for forgiveness when you fail. But you don’t insist that these things become illegal, because that would totally cramp your style. But when it comes to gays getting equal rights, suddenly it’s important that there’s an actual law against it. Suddenly the definition of marriage is really important. It’s not enough to be a guiding principle for a community of believers anymore, oh no. Now it has to be law for everyone, including people who don’t see the world the way you do, and don’t share your religious views. Your religion has no place in the laws that govern me. If you think being gay is a bad thing, you shouldn’t find your ethical high ground in standing in the way of laws that allow equal rights for all. Because it’s not your place, and not your religion’s place, to punish me for something you think your god doesn’t like. And you know what, your Jesus said the same fucking thing. IRONICALLY. And that, my friend, is why you really are a bad person if you don’t support gay marriage. Just gonna leave this here…

omgfuckyou:

ivyblossom:

Yeah, here’s the thing about this. If you say it’s okay to be all “against gay marriage” because of your religion, here’s what I have to ask you: are you advocating against the legality of other things your religion says is a bad? Like, say, graven images? Do you protest against Supernatural because it has angels in it? Do you call your local political representative to request the repeal of laws that allow divorce? Do you fight to shut down all shops and services on the Sabbath? Are you fighting to put laws in place against adultery? Birth control? (LOL: MAYBE!) Maybe cheating on your spouse should have a jail term attached to it, what do you think about that? While we’re at it, dissing your parents on the internet should be illegal too. Because there’s a commandment about that. Should come with at least a fine, right? Good idea? No?

From what I can tell, you folks are fine with some rules from the bible being personal ethical guidelines for your community rather than national laws. You think adultery is wrong, so you don’t do it. Swearing is bad, so you avoid it and ask for forgiveness when you fail. But you don’t insist that these things become illegal, because that would totally cramp your style. But when it comes to gays getting equal rights, suddenly it’s important that there’s an actual law against it. Suddenly the definition of marriage is really important. It’s not enough to be a guiding principle for a community of believers anymore, oh no. Now it has to be law for everyone, including people who don’t see the world the way you do, and don’t share your religious views.

Your religion has no place in the laws that govern me. If you think being gay is a bad thing, you shouldn’t find your ethical high ground in standing in the way of laws that allow equal rights for all. Because it’s not your place, and not your religion’s place, to punish me for something you think your god doesn’t like. And you know what, your Jesus said the same fucking thing. IRONICALLY.

And that, my friend, is why you really are a bad person if you don’t support gay marriage.

Just gonna leave this here…

(Source: the-unpopular-opinions, via nayatrollvera)
3AM

(via fuckingandroids)
May282012

Glee AU | In which Brittany, Santana and Mercedes reform the Troubletones and head to LA to try to make it as a girl group, while Brittany films their journey for an online webseries documenting the struggles they face trying to make it in the industry as women of color, different sizes and/or sexual orientations

(Source: mylittlefaith, via hysterical-blindness)
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